Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Fear : Deep Water
Last night I had the strangest dream- of course it was related to anxiety- they always are. My boy started school not too long ago and the transition into kindergarten has been rocky to say the least- not only has his sleep been fitful and interrupted but mine has as well. Last night's dream was terrifying- the sort where you wake up with your heart racing-and it lingers- yeah that sort- it got me started thinking about fear this morning- and what on earth am I so afraid of.
There is not much that I am actually afraid of- no fear that can't be faced and survived- with the exception of Dinosaurs- but don't even get me started on that because fear of Dinosaurs is a very real thing- have you people not seen Jurassic Park? It could happen. Most of my fears do not paralyze me- I can usually just be afraid and deal with it; spiders- get jar, trap spider and leave for someone else, heights- just keep climbing, Dinosaurs- if you don't move they can't see you. The only thing that really makes me freeze up is the prospect of deep water.
Which is ironic considering my many years spent on the water as a kid and young adult- I learned to swim in the most freezing of lakes, I worked at a marina, canoed, kayaked and wake bored by the light of a full moon, as a kid I was easily in the water every single day. Today the idea though of learning to surf for example leaves me paralyzed- I can not even think about the Orca Whale that is lurking below the limit of my sight thinking I look like a good snack- yes I have seen that movie too- Orca- it is terrifying and no six year old should never watch it!
My dream or to be more specific- night terror for that's truly what they are-even still- was about deep water- the sort of fear that grips you in your sleep and leaves you totally incapacitated- unable to wake up- unable to move forward in the dream- unable to save your child from drowning in the dream. Yeah I have those sorts of dreams- I wake up with a pounding heart and that terrible feeling that can not be shaken off all day. I am now dreaming that my child is getting taken by the Orcas down into the deep water.
I know it is entirely ludicrous to be worried about being eaten by an Orca whale- scientifically it has been proven that Orcas- or Killer Whales- just do not eat humans. There is not even really any statistics of people being eaten by Orcas in the wild- just thanks to Hollywood it is a possibility in my mind. No my fear of deep water is more a fear of the unknown- I need to see what is under me before I am comfortable.
Of course since I am an educated woman I understand my dreams have deeper meaning than what is found on the surface- of course I know that currently these dreams are related to my anxiety surrounding my son at school- watching him grow and fall and not being able to do a thing about it. I want to protect him from the world but I can't- but I can teach him to swim- both literally and figuratively. So two things I think are to come from this difficult month we are having- first of all I need to better equip my boy with the tools he needs at least then I will rest easy knowing he is prepared for the playground. Second of all I am going to learn how to surf and once I know he will learn- I want my children to be fearless.
PS- I'm really not sure what to do about the dinosaurs- especially since Hollywood is in production on yet another Jurassic Park- oh joy!